July 14, 2016

This was the day I knew life would never be the same. Like Benjamin Sisko, I exist here. I have tried many things since then. I tried the whole replacement, reframing, keeping busy, getting out there, therapy, time healing all wounds. Nothing has helped.

“No,” he says, drained, exposed, defeated. “It’s not linear.”

(Note that this isn’t to place blame, blame is unkind. This is about me, and no one else. This is just to express how I feel to the ether, hoping I gain strength through the sharing.)

I feel like a widower or an iWidower I’ve often joked trying to conceal the pain. I walk around with half of myself missing, hollow.
Life keeps ongoing. It’s been about three and a half years since the shock hit me and I still feel stunned. I don’t cry much anymore except on the days I see my daughter off to her other home. I don’t think that will ever go away.
However, the pain and emptiness are still there Always. I do feel like a good month-long crying session would help, I just don’t have time. Life is a struggle just trying to survive. I’m always busy. Half of my week is fun being the best Dad I can for my favorite person, not always successfully, but not for lack of trying. The rest of the week is trying to catch up with work, sleep, and housework. Rinse, lather, and repeat.

Will I ever be happy again? Is it even a possibility? Is ignorance truly bliss? Is there any way to go back to that belief that all things are possible, that I deserve happiness or love? Will I ever be able to trust again? Am I damaged goods, too jaded, too let down by fellow man to ever find my place in the world again? Or is this just it? Am I just old, broken, finished, and limping to the end of my journey? I just keep getting up almost every day and try in some way to move forward. I’ve tried the STFU approach and that’s seemed to help the most. Quite literally, as long as I pretend to be happy, the only one that truly knows my emptiness and sorrow is me, and my life is finite. I hope to live to 105, but in the long scheme of things, that’s barely a blip. So it doesn’t really matter.

Sure I have times of joy, usually when Ren and I are just hanging out having a good time, enjoying life, but overall life is painful and tedious. I think it’s a good thing that I still want to be happy.