Who am I? What do I want?

A lot of people are down on me give me crap about the job that I have. The job I’ve had for the last 23+ years. Including myself it’s a struggle I live with every day. Every time I’ve tried to get a different job I failed miserably. My last attempt was with Publix supermarkets. I couldn’t deal with the hours the bullying and hazing that never seems to end my two months there. I have had trouble finding a good job partly because I am a secular humanist and also partly because I am straight edge so it’s very hard to socialize. But I just realized today that if I hadn’t quit there and come back to my regular normal job I might not, probably not, would not have had Serenity. So as of right now I’m very happy about all my decisions that I’ve made because if one variable had been different I might not have my love, my joy, my purpose in life, Serenity Lynn. I love being a dad. It’s Who I am. It’s who I was always meant to be. So I’m going home today, and giving Serenity a really big, It’s a wonderful life George Bailey hug.

I can not speak for other people, how they feel or if they feel. I can only speak for myself.

I have always been a sexually excited person, as much as other men I suspect. I have always longed for and looked forward to sex ever since puberty. When I finally lost my virginity at the age of 18, I thought to myself, is this all the hubbub and hormones are about? That was it?!? Ok, I chalked it up to inexperience and as I heard from others that the first time is hardly ever good.

All throughout my twenties I went on a sexual adventure trying to get my groove. I did have several partners that I was compatible with. Towards the end of my twenties I figured out what the problem was.

My penis, that was supposed to be sensitive was in fact not. Again, I only know how I feel, I can’t speak for others. My penis is as sensitive as my arm, a finger or my ear. It’s not numb, just not hypersensitive like a normal penis would be. I do get sexual gratification, but mostly from pressure on my testicles that intercourse can provide, and being in the right state of mind. But again that takes the right partner to understand my needs. Luckily I found some one I am compatible with. Now that is the what. Here is the why…

I, like many other American boys born in my generation, without my knowledge or permission, had the most sensitive part of my penis cut off, shortly after I was born. For people not from the US, they might not know that circumcision of baby boys is a common practice in the states, and in many parts of Africa it is practiced on little girls. As most of us know, that male and female genitalia are formed out of many of the same tissues.

In the United States, the thought of female circumcision seems barbaric, and in other countries male circumcision seems just as barbaric. While a majority of the people here think male circumcision is perfectly acceptable and even joke about it. I’m talking about this today to let you know neither one is okay. There are many reasons people use as an excuse, or misinformation to make it seem okay that circumcision is not as bad as it is.

One that you hear a lot is a father wants their son to be like them. I had a very loving father we knew each other for over 30 years and in that time we never once compared penises. Others are “I don’t want my son to be made fun of,” again never once had a penis comparison party at school. The reasons go on and on but most of them are not as important as you’re cutting off part of your baby. Just like cutting off a finger, or an ear, nose, an eyelid, it’s not right.

One of the most important things in society today about being a man is being tough and sexually virile. So I, as well as many others, I suspect lied about how good it felt and how good it feels to have sex because I didn’t want to be the one that was broken. I didn’t want people to know my secret. But not too long ago I realized it wasn’t my fault. I was a victim, not that of my parents decision but of societal norms of the time. I have seen some men lately come out about this issue and be honest about what happened to them. If I had come out about this earlier it might have saved more little boys from going through this genital mutilation. I don’t blame my parents for what they did. At the time they did not have the information available to them that parents do today. I do think if they knew how damaging a little decision they may or may not even had made at the time would affect my life so adversely they would have decided otherwise.

I hope me being open and honest about my situation will help at least one person from not going through what I did. If you ever do have a child, please please please give the choice of genital mutilation/body modification to your child to make that decision for themselves as adults, that, at this time, can not be undone.

http://www.nocirc.org

So, there are so many times that I’m just plain miserable, like at my day job. Or even times I’m stuck in line or just somewhere I don’t want to be.
I had a thought the other day that is amazing. An epiphany if you will. When, if I am on my deathbed, I will wish I had more time. I will always want more time. Then I thought if I could only use all this time I have been wasting. A minute here or there really ads up over a lifetime. Why can’t I? No reason I can’t. So now, whenever I am stuck somewhere I don’t want to be, I think back on all the good memories in my life, about my wife and daughter, all the love given me, and I enjoy those memories and it makes me happy. It sounds so simple, yet it is utterly profound. For I will no longer focus on and dread the bad times in my life, I will look forward to those times, as times I get to go through all the happy memories in my life. So I am taking my time back, it’s my mind, I can do with it as I please, and I please to think of my family and love. I have just doubled my lifespan. In short: Renny Hugs make me happy.