Posted on October 4, 2016
It was a good morning with Serenity, we did puzzles and played. I had to finish some jobs too before dropping Renny off with her Mom. Since it was national taco day, H offered to make her Taco Pizza dish she makes. Renny and I went to Publix to get the ingredients on the way. It was a time crunch to get it done before my therapy appointment. I helped prep and make the tater tot crust. We didn’t end up getting it done before my appointment at four, so I went back after. It was super yummy. It’s also nice for Ren to be with both of her parents now and then. We got along well today. That’s always good.
The progress that was made was, that I was told I need to stop living with a wall of hope. The situation is very confusing for me. There have been enough huge steps in the other direction, and I should look at the actions and not the words. In the words there is hope. The actions say there isn’t any. Almost everyone I spoke with, that has experience in this situation says this “No big deal” is the ultimate step away, and it should be my final clue. I have to abandon all hope. I didn’t want to, I don’t want to, but it looks as though I have no choice. Something I still have to work on is trying to get the motivation to get myself back up and brush myself off. I in no way have that at this point. I feel like I’m broken, crumpled up in a pile in a corner, and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t see a future or have any desire for one. It’s difficult for me to see past surviving the day at this point. It’s sad and preoccupies my mind, which I think is an improvement over the “How did this happen” “Why couldn’t I just…” thoughts. If I abandon the little bits of hope I get, that make me temporarily happy, the moments that crush me like Sunday night will be lessened.
The rest of the evening went very well. I took a nap and then went out for dinner at First Round Draft Sports Bar & Grille with a friend. Great food, and great company. There was a lot of sportsball on the TVs, but they did Play a Star Trek Beyond trailer, so that was nice. We ended the night with some Netflix and restarting The 100. There were highs and lows, and a lot to think about, but I was able to find many moments of happiness. I think it’s a start.