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Please Stand By…

I’m happy for the most part but I still struggle at some point during each day. The feeling of betrayal is still there three years after first finding out she was cheating on me. The loneliness is there every day. I’m not sure how to fix these issues. It’s difficult living in a world I had no plans of being in. When I said I do, silly me I thought it would be forever. Finding myself all alone except for the best part of my week, when I have Renny, it just hurts. But I don’t want to be controlled again, I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m in trouble all the time. I don’t want the torture of slowly going insane from habitual purposeful interrupted sleep which some studies suggest is more damaging than no sleep at all. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about not making enough money and at the same time made to feel more guilty when I actually tried to get work done. I don’t want to be made to feel less than again. So having another relationship is out of the question. So here I am with no real hope for the future, no wants or desires other than Serenity being happy and healthy. In pain from being utterly alone, but so scarred that I would never want to let anyone hurt me again. I hope to live another forty years or so, but in that time what is the point? Is there life after love? I don’t think we ever found out the answer.

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