Posted on April 20, 2018
Love. It’s what we want when we don’t have it. It’s what we idealize in our thoughts during the unbearable loneliness. It’s what we hope to find, don’t feel worthy of, and sometimes think we find. It is something we give freely yet it can be ripped away by another. If it can be stolen, was it ever real to begin with? I only know how I felt, why another would pretend is beyond my understanding.
We place our personalities into someone else to fill in the unknown gaps. We do this for celebrities, friends, gods, and those we love.
Do people change or is it more a matter of finding more out about a person that changes it for you? When you fall in love, you are falling in love with the best part of that person. If that person decides never mind, you then see the worst side of them.
The tragedy there is you can’t even miss the person or mourn the relationship because they were acting, telling you what they wanted you to hear, being who they thought you wanted them to be. It was all a lie. You are just left feeling tricked and violated.
Is that the case with every relationship? Is someone always lying? Is there real love?
I know I have loved, but have I ever been loved? Romantically, probably not. It’s a devastating realization.
I know my daughter loves me, I know my parents love me. I love me. But I have not found a partner in this life. I want to trust again, but fool me five times, right?
At 42, I don’t miss the sex as much as the friendship, companionship, conversation and cuddles.
I face this next chapter of my life utterly alone. No safety net, no one there for my worst, no one to take care of me when my health fails, in fact, it’s quite the opposite, I feel some waiting for me to conclude and get out of the way. It’s I think one of the worst feelings anyone can feel, beyond betrayal and beyond loneliness, feeling out of place in one’s own life.
There are a lot of bad people in the world, only out for themselves. I know I was a good person, I loved, I trusted, I was betrayed, and abandoned.
All that said, I love that I’m alive and have it better than most people in human history. I’ve had a wonderful life, my purpose was to bring my daughter into the world and love her.
I’ll always be a little sad on the inside that it never happened for me, no one every truly loved me.