**My blog is finally fixed and I’m inspired to write. It turns out it was a php setting. Thanks to Steve for the fix.**
I may be losing a friend who has become very important to me in the last two months. It’s understandable. Since the separation my life has been a total mess. It is getting better slowly day by day. Therapy with Constance Stegall is really helping me, I wish I could see her more often but being broke and co-pays don’t mix well.
I cry a lot less now, only a few times a week. It’s very difficult to go through life as compartmentalized as I do and just let emotion in little by little, sometimes too much, and there goes the waterworks. I hide it from most people as much as I can. Last night a silly thing hurt me and I couldn’t help myself, it was only a few minutes, but Serenity saw. 🙁 Not a good moment for me. I was able to pull it together and we went shopping to stay busy and keep my mind on something else. It worked for the most part, and a well timed text made me happy. I go between sad, happy, confused, and numb all the time, sometimes all in the same few hours. Routine is helping. Serenity is helping, she has really stepped up and grown up in the past few months. She is always there to show me what joy is and inspire me to keep going. This “mandatory car selfie” from this morning has way more meaning to me in retrospect. Me hiding my pain with a smile, the Chicago shirt, the whiskers, the empty seat next to me, and a great woman behind me to give me the kick in the ass I need to get on with the rest of my life.
Serenity and I spent the first part of the day with Frankie. He was a big help with catching up today. We had brunch at Burger King, and Ren and I had Lunch at 934. The vegan grilled cheese was amazing. Renny wanted corn and vegan chick’n strips for dinner. I made that for her, I still don’t know what to eat. A problem I’m struggling with is the butterfly effect… effect. I know I can’t change the past, but there are at least 5 points that run in a loop in my mind where if I had made a better decision life would be totally different. I was asked why I cant just take life as it comes. Because I now know the little things can change everyone’s life around me forever. I can’t change the past, but every decision I make changes the future. It can be crippling. Every time I mess up, I think to myself “Is this it? Is this the moment that it all gets ruined?” I hope that will fade in time. I’ve felt for a long time like I’m living in the past. Not in the usual way, but literally. I was 4 in 1979, Renny is 4 now. So from her perspective, now is 37 years ago. Can I change her past? My present? My future. I just don’t know.
If you are reading this in 2053, know that I love you with every fiber of my being in the here and now (for me). You are my favorite thing in the multiverse, you are what my life was for.