Today was another one of those days. I missed people. I asked for forgiveness. I cried while driving, but only intermittently, so that’s something. I’m still trying to figure out what life is now. What will life be in the future? I chatted with my brother Darren last night for a little bit, it’s been a few years. We talked about dad and how we learned gender roles from him, and how that affected all of our relationships. I don’t blame him, he was an amazing person. He just grew up in a completely different time. My brothers Darren and Danny have been married and divorced too many times to count. I thought I had learned from their mistakes, I did not. It is said we all become our parents. This has been proven to be true, in my case. It took a life-shattering loss to fix me. Now that I’m fixed, or mostly fixed (still working on me), no one wants me.
I had a dream for the first time in months last night. I dream all the time, but they are usually nightmares, ramifications of what I have done. Last night in my dream I met a girl, she literally fell into my lap. We had a wild romance and lived a life together Inner light style. It was going really well when I heard “Wipe my but!!!” It had all happened in the space of a few minutes. I think my brain was giving me what I needed to keep going. I don’t really see a way to have a good life moving forward. All I can really do is enjoy the life I have with Renny when I have her. I didn’t sign up for the rest of it, but I am responsible for it. I will live a long time, maybe as long as I exist being punished for something I should have had control over but didn’t, the way I treated others.