Posted on November 15, 2018
Big ass TV in UHD
As far as I can tell there is no happily ever after. That’s just something a writer made up a long time ago because they were done telling their story. I enjoy my me time no matter how unwilling I am to have it. The world drags me kicking and screaming into it half of every week. It is a fact that this is what life is now. Eighty-four hours I have to fill every week. I sleep, I work, I eat, I clean, I play Mr fix it, and there is still so much more time until I get my Serenity back. I’ve read books, I write, I work some more. After all that I watch tv. The boob tube used to be my life, the window to the world. Now while watching television I go back and forth in my mind between escaping and feeling how so very alone I am depending on my ability to compartmentalize at any given moment. It’s a loss every week. I go from 24 hours a day being with Renny to being without her for days. If I do find myself enjoying my me time I feel guilty for enjoying it simultaneously. No amount of fun I have is more enjoyable than when I get to dad. Maybe that’s the difference between fun and joy. One of my greatest fears for the past few years came to fruition, the wife moving out and losing Ren half of her life. Being without Renny half the week is as bad as I feared. Being without Heather has been okay, I’ve been able to be myself and find me again, I haven’t been me for a long time now. Constantly being in trouble or having someone upset with me for me being me and wanting to enjoy life was making me a shell of my former self. It will take more than a few months to adjust to this life that was not my choice, my only coping skill is to thoroughly enjoy every second I have with my daughter and go numb the rest of the time. I would have stayed in what was left of the relationship for another decade or so to be with Serenity seven days a week. If I ever have to choose between anything and my daughter, I choose my daughter. Life is slowly, very slowly improving bit by bit. While driving the other day with Ren in her car seat, both of us listening to Renny’s DJ skills via Bluetooth, singing and laughing, I was finally truly enjoying life. Moments later during that same ride, I cried to myself unbeknownst to Serenity because I knew in a few days I would be without her again. The truth is we all have hopes and dreams, but none of us get everything we ever wanted. I am so very lucky to have the one thing that makes me the happiest, being a dad. The rest, really, is unimportant. And they lived happily ever after.